Tired. Just tired.

This week has been terrible. Tomorrow is my 6th work day in a row and it’s really getting on my nerves. And my boyfriend’s. Five of these days have been evening shifts, so I’m leaving for work when my bf comes home from his work… So we haven’t been able to spend time together that much…That has made both of us really sad. I noticed today that he’s mad at me for no fucking reason. I HATE IT when people get mad at me and I have no fucking clue why. I think it’s because of this week, but I can’t help it that my work is what it is and that the last two weeks I have had shitloads of evening shifts. That’s pretty much the only reason I can think of. Annoying as hell. Ok, it could be about something that has nothing to do with me, but I always start to blame myself whenever he’s acting like that. He would tell me if someone else would have pissed him off!?!? I think….. *sigh*

I think I’m just gonna sleep on the couch tonight. We usually do sleep in the same bed even though we have fought, but during the past few nights he has snored like crazy, lol. He already went to sleep so I bet he’s snoring already so there’s no way in hell I’m gonna be able to sleep. And if I can’t sleep, I’m gonna be very tearful about everything. Oh well, I have cried a lot already this week ‘cos I’m just so fucking TIIIIRED.

Oh and.

One of my favorite bands is coming to Finland. I’m so excited about it, I already bought the tickets. But all I can think of is that something will go wrong and that I won’t be able to go. This “something” is that my boss would be a dick and wouldn’t let me have a day off that day. He has paid attention pretty well to all of my day-off-wishes, but I’m still scared. idk, I just have to make it clear that I really need this concert to happen for me. I have listened to them for 13 years and I have never seen them live. That’s just sad, really.

The worst pianist in the world

I’m so fucking pissed off right now. How hard can it be to learn one fucking song?!? It’s a really difficult song, but after practicing it for 6 fucking MONTHS and still not getting anywhere, I’m starting to lose it. Ok, I haven’t been practicing every single day during the 6 month’s period. I know I should have, that’s how I probably would have been able to learn it ages ago, but I just don’t have the time and/or the energy. I’m too fucking tired to do anything after a hard day at work, that’s why I mainly play any instruments on my days off only. …which means I only practice like once or twice a week, which is way too little. That way I forget everything I have learned until the next practice time…. fuck my life. Are there any musicians out there? Any suggestions how to make a proper practice schedule??? I could really use some help…

fuck you, you stupid, beautiful song.

I just don’t know how to get more energy… Ok, my vitamin levels might be a bit too low, but I never remember to take any vitamins, so I guess that’s out of options, pfff…. Some people might say that exercise might help, but I already do kendo 1-2 times a week and trust me, that makes me even more tired, especially if I have been at work that day.

I just wish I had a band… And I wish I could have my “talent” and ability to write and compose songs back… I used to do that a lot when I was a teenager, but then I stopped doing it. I haven’t been writing/composing anything in maaaany years, which is kinda sad. Oh well, it would be even more sad if I had shitloads of songs but no band to play them with. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A FUCKING BAND. I play three instruments but bass is the love of my life, I want to be a “professional” bassist. Of course I could watch some announcements for guitarists and pianists as well. No wait, I’m the worst pianist and probably the worst guitarist as well, so there’s no use.

I live in a small city. I don’t know many musicians in here, and even if I did, I’m 99% sure that they don’t want to make the same kind of music as I do. I want to have a tribute band for 80’s rock bands, and later start working on own songs. But it’s hard to do it alone… I have this Finnish rock-n-roll project atm, but that’s just for fun. And I’m tired of playing just for fun. Also, even though I love Finnish rock music, that’s not what I want to play for the rest of my life.

I hate my life. So fucking much. It’s nice that I have a boyfriend who loves me the way I am. He’s still here even though I have struggled with my mind for so long… It’s nice that I have at least some sort of job that I can provide myself and buy some nice things every now and then. I have a loving family and wonderful friends, even though most of them are far away. Nothing just seems to be enough. Nothing makes me happy.

Confusion is a bitch

I had an awesome weekend. It also made me confused as fuck. I can’t believe a person who is somewhat powerful in Finnish rock n roll business, a “celebrity”, made me feel special. And even though it was just a fangirl-ish crush, I’m kinda feeling guilty about it ‘cos I’m in  a serious relationship. It must sound stupid but I just have to let all of this out, lol. (so that pretty much means that this post has nothing to do with depression really…)

I was on a cruise. The band that performed there was THE BEST band I have ever seen on a cruise. It was pure rock N roll, with one of the hottest bassists on earth. The singer was such a cutie as well, and he noticed me too. I have never been insecure of my looks, I’m aware that I’m “hot” or whatever (did that sound too cocky? I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to let you guys know I have never had problems with my looks 😀 ), but I never thought I could get any attention from any kinds of rock stars, haha. The bassist sure took my breath away to be honest…

He looked me in the eyes and smiled several times. Of course there were lots of fangirls in the crowd as well, but he made me feel special. How do I know that? Because after every single break he was happy to notice me. Also, they played two gigs, one in the evening and one the next day. And when he noticed me the next day as well, he seemed glad. The best part was when I was in the Tax Free cashier line the next day buying booze, with no make-up on, and with a slight hangover, he happened to be there at the same time and he recognized me. He said “Hello” happily. HE said HELLO to me first!!! I wanted to faint dramatically at that point. Also, I hurt my finger at the other gig by getting a deep cut from the railing in front of the stage and it bled like hell. He noticed it too and gave me a sad face, lol.

I also managed to add him (and the singer) as my FB-friend after the cruise. He even chatted with me for a while.

I know the people who are reading this text must roll their eyes and think I’m such a dork. Why did I want to get this off of my chest? As I said earlier, I feel weird that someone as sexy as hell made me feel special. I am a person who has a crush/falls in love very easily, so it kinda was a big deal for me. And after the cruise, I realized how lame my life really is. I had so much fun on the cruise, I almost got myself into the rockNroll circles, hahaha. But the reality is: I work as a cashier of a fast food chain, while trying to be an amateur musician. I don’t want to be an amateur musician. I want to have a band that can actually get somewhat famous so I could meet other cool musicians, like Him ❤ The sad truth is, it may be that I’m not able to see him ever again </3 But maybe it’s better that way, I don’t want to be in my confused fangirl fantasy world while being in a serious relationship 😀

That is all… *facedesk*

Everything can still go wrong

We got some lovely news this week. Me and my boyfriend have been planning to get a pet hedgehog, and now we finally have found a baby that we can adopt. We contacted a breeder a while ago, asking about her future litters so we could adopt one baby later. We thought that the litter that had been born this month would become too soon. However, we were able to get a “house” for our hedgehog this week, so I tried my luck and asked if there are still babies available in this month’s litter. There was! A baby girl ❤ We were hoping for a boy because we had a perfect name picked out for him, but that’s pretty much the only reason why we wanted a boy, so in the end the gender really didn’t matter. So a girl is fine!

What is the problem then? My boyfriend has always been allergic to animals. He has been petting hedgehogs couple of times before and he hasn’t got any symptoms, but I’m still scared. I used to have rats, I loved them from the bottom of my heart. I have never been allergic to any kind of animals in my life, but then I suddenly became allergic to my own baby girls. It was heart breaking. I fought with the allergy for one year, but then I started to have problems with breathing so I had to give them away. Thank God I found a new home for them so they could live happily for the rest of their lives. They are both in rattie heaven now…. ❤

Anyway, I can’t stand the thought about losing another pet because of an allergy case again. We have talked about this with the breeder and luckily she is very nice and reasonable. She told us that if my bf (or I myself even) starts to get allergic symptoms, she is gonna buy the hedgehog back from us. They are very expensive creatures, so it would be a huge loss of money if she wouldn’t do that. I think that’s very fair and I’m thankful. But I really hope that doesn’t need to happen.

I just hope this stress (and this post) is completely pointless in the end. We will see… Our baby will arrive in the beginning of November ❤

Let me tell you something about this blog…

First of all, I have had several blogs before, but this is the very first anonymous blog I have ever had! So, the most challenging part is not being able to introduce myself properly… But I can tell you that I’m a 23-year-old female who lives in Finland.

The description tells you the idea of this blog. But it might make some people confused: Why on earth isn’t she on meds if she had a depression? Or at least see a therapist? And why is she anonymous? And what the hell is the “on the edge supposed to mean??”

1. A part of me wants to be on meds. But a huge part doesn’t. When I met my boyfriend 2½ years ago, he told me that he was scared when I was on meds. He was afraid that he would never see the “real” me. That the Real me was hidden behind the meds. Part of that was true. the reason why a tiny piece of me still needs the meds, is that they would make certain part of my life easier: I’m way too emotional. the meds made me a feelingless zombie, I didn’t care about stuff that much and I certainly didn’t cry as much as I do normally!!!! But the reason why I don’t want to be on meds (in addition to my boyfriend’s opinion) is that the side effects were terrible. I know they take “only” two weeks or so, but when those suicidal thoughts rise to heavens, it’s terrible. That’s pretty much the only side effect I get from them, but that sure is enough. Also, I want to fight against my own demons by myself. I don’t want any help for that.

2. Some people might think that if I don’t want to be on meds, then why wouldn’t I share my thoughts with a professional? Well, the older I get, the more I keep things to myself. I don’t even want to open up to my closest friends about my real problems anymore. When I was younger, I was always crying at someone and searching for professional help as well. I did get professional help and I’m very glad about it, but then my condition became better and I didn’t need the therapy anymore. …aaand then it slowly got worse and then I couldn’t talk to anyone anymore. I started to feel like a burden and that I would be bothering people with my problems. The only person I can talk nowadays is my boyfriend.
I’m trying to have this blog as my therapy. I know it’s not healthy to keep those bad thoughts inside. They just build up and eventually I explode. It has happened. Several times. Also, I have noticed that I have more panic attacks nowadays, there has been a lot of changes in my life during the past few months. I don’t like changes, so I that’s what triggers them, I guess….

3. As I said, I have never been Anonymous anywhere, so this is a bit of a challenge, haha. I’m a terrible Facebook-spammer, I love sharing things and pictures of my life (and myself, lol), but I’m not gonna do that here. My previous blogs have never been “secret”, this is the first one. Ok, this blog is not really secret. It’s public and it can be seen by anyone, but the anonymous part makes it secrets. My friends and family don’t know that this is my blog. The reason why I wanted to make an anonymous blog is that I don’t want my family and friends to know how bad in a shape I really am sometimes. So, I’m not trying to get a shitload of readers or anything like that. This blog is just for me. But I want this to be seen, just in case someone has the same feelings and problems as I do. That’s why I allow people to comment…

4. What does On the Edge mean? Well, I don’t think it’s too hard to understand for those people who are on the same situation as I am. For so many years, my life has felt like this: I’m goofing around in this very dangerous cliff and I’m amazed that I haven’t fallen off of it and died. My guardian angel/devil is taking a really good care of me…

I guess those four spots were the main reasons for this blog. This blog is pretty interesting in that sense that I actually hope that I won’t have to post here too often, lol…. So if someone wants to start following me, please remember that if I don’t post, it means that I’m doing ok. At the same time I hope that I do write down all the shit my tiny head is going through, because if I don’t, the feelings start building up again. Who is gonna suffer? Not only me, but the closest people around me….